Home of the Week: Decadent Trash by Erma Thrask

Salutations everyone! Mr. Goliath has asked me to critique the "Home of the Week" feature in the "Courier-Journal". My name is Mrs. Erma Thrask, widow of the late E. W. Thrask and a life-long member of the First Southern Baptist Church of Bennetsville. I was delighted when Mr. Goliath asked me to assist him in this task. He tells me it is too painful for him to look at these so-called 'articles' anymore and one can't help but understand and sympathise with him once one's

attention has been drawn to them. I consider it my Christian Baptist duty to assist a poor pagan just as did the famed Samiritan when he helped the poor robbery victim as the good book tells us while those dirty jewish people just walked past him and never so much as lifted a finger to help the man. But what could one expect from the Hebrews of those days? I always felt that when the Lord Jesus Christ told this lovely heartwarming parable he was also trying to let us know JUST WHAT HE THOUGHT about "those" people. (After all, since he knew everything he would have certainly known that they would wind up crucifying him on a cross).

Mr Goliath provides me with a dozen eggs a week that are as fresh as can be! Such an improvement over the store-bought kind! Just like when I was a girl! He has recently increased his price for these (as a savage barbarian he seems to think of nothing but money sometimes) but agreed to discount the eggs in exchange for my thoughts on this feature of the Courier-Journal. (Of course I, myself, wouldn't be caught dead reading such a communist inspired publication. I always say, "If one has time to read, then one can do no better than to read the

Lord's word.) Now, then, to the business at hand.

Goliath had warned me that I would be in for a shock when I read this "Home of the Week" feature but I was still unprepared for the utter depravity, lack of taste and decorum that some

poor pitiful folks, "Chris and Becky Bowling of St. Mathews" apparently consider 'high style'.

Heavens! If I were unlucky enough to have a home that looked like this I would be praying that

no one would know, not opening the doors to the eyes of the world! The horrors begin when

the first photograph features a 'living area' with three faux greco columns. Pretentious, tacky,

and out of place! Of course in that same living room television is embedded in a bookshelf. This

alone is evidence of the crass horrors to be found elsewhere in this 'home of the week'.

I searched the photographs and found only two pieces of wall hanging art. Over the fireplace

is a what I hesitate to describe as a 'landscape' print. This looks like it came from a room in a

"Motel Six". I also found what appears to be a crucifix ...hanging over the thermostat. What

a lovely sentiment and remembrance of our lord and saviour that died for the sins of the Bowlings they give him the place of honor...over the thermostat.

Yet, the Bowlings still have more 'treats' which await us, when we turn to what one must imagine

to be their idea of a 'formal dining room'. I can only surmise that Mrs. Bowling is not gifted in

the culinary arts. Perhaps the nauseating swirl of clashing patterns is intended to put one off

one's appetite. And as if to insure that the effect is not lost, she has chosen a glass topped table.

After all, nothing is more pleasant at dinner than to look at other people's feet and lower body

parts. I struggled while looking at all of these horrid rooms to find any object that suggested

uniqueness of ownership. Something with a personal connection to Mr. and Mrs. Bowling but,

the only thing I found in any of the many rooms on display were some family photographs on

a shelf in the living 'salon'. (I hope they were family photographs. Judging by everything else

they could just as well have been stock photos provided by the manufacturer of her hideoues

"parsons chairs".

Of course this is America and any fool with a credit card is entitled to be as tastless and vulgar

as he or she wishes and the Bowlings have certainly proven this point many times over. But

I am anxious for the eternal souls of these sad people. I found a television in the living room and

then the obligitory 'basement' entertainment den with an overhead projector for 'wide screen

action'. I imagine Mr. Bowling claims this is for watching the football game on Sunday (when he

should be preparing himself for Evening Services) but I know MEN. This is obviously for the

display of pornography which is so readilyavailable and possibly the consumption of illegal

drugs. (I noted the 'soul candle' and other items on the coffee table but Erma Thrask is not

fooled by these items!). I also cannot approve of the fact the article depicts three (3!) dogs

in this home. All sitting with their bare hindquarters (from which their bodily waste emits) directly on the living room rug. I pray no child is allowed to play there!

Finally, it is with true Baptist Christian sadness that I note a large bed which was obviously most expensive in the bedroom There is a settee and a nightstand and some throw pillows. But

Mr. and Mrs. Bowling have failed to provide themselves with the most important living accessory, ....there is no Bible on the nightstand by the bed. This speaks volumes to me,

Mrs. Erma Thrask. Pray for them.