BEAST of BOTH WORLDS...Home of the Week by ERMA THRASK
Well well well..... Erma Thrask is NOBODY's FOOL!!! I am saddened to report that BEHIND MY BACK Goliath has been secretly recruiting JULES' MOTHER to replace me as the commentator on "HOME OF THE WEEK". I began to have suspicions that Goliath was engaged in an ongoing effort to impair the "integrity"of my column so I took a cue from SUPERMIKE and took the liberty of reading some of what he thought was PRIVATE MESSAGES and what do I discover? Goliath is PLOTTING with JULES to have JULES' MOTHER write a "Home of
the Week" Column!!! Well Well Well. And I THOUGHT Goliath was my friend!
Now, as a Christian lady, I knew it was my duty to try to help Goliath find the light. As you know, Goliath is a heathen that worships his ancient gods. He actually sacrifices poultry and small animals to them in expiation of what he considers 'sins'. (What a catalog of horrors that is!!) We are told to Hate the sin and love the sinner ! But in the teeth of such betrayal, this is a sore task on a person such as myself. I also found GOLIATH was receiving PORNOGRAPHY
in his private messages! As vile and disgusting as it is, I feel obliged to share with the world,
(similar to my hero, Kenneth Starr a la the Clinton-Lewinski affair) all the sordid details of
this pornographic correspondance. Jules sent Goliath this image...... 
Now, I understand this sign was
Now, I understand this sign was stood above one of our local highways all last summer and as Goliath earlier mentioned it to me
and I had no IDEA what "MILF" stood for at the time, I decided to educate myself further..so
as not to be unarmed in this battle with Goliath and Jules' mother! So, I 'googled' the term
"MILF" and Dear LORD!!! YOU can't believe what vile filth came up on my computer screen!
I strongly urge you NOT TO GOOGLE this term! Just thank the Lord that you have Erma Thrask to do such vile work for you. Only a good christian such as myself could be exposed to
such sordid imagery and not be in jeopardy of the flames of hell! I made a very thorough inspection of almost all of the websites devoted to MILFs. This took me some 36 hours of constant viewing (with occassional breaks for egg nog and a nap!). Page after page of images
depicting horrible acts and nudity! I assure you that as I gazed at page after page of such images
I finally reached the conclusion that this was truly sinful. I will return to my investigation of such sites shortly as I want to be fair. But, so far, I have found nothing but sin and degradation!
The image above PROVES Goliath's soul is in jeopardy. I will pray for him.
Now, to turn to the subject of this weeks column (a welcome relief from my contemplation of
Goliath's cowardly treachery!) This week we find that, apparently, the vile communist organ,
"The Courier Journal" has run out of glorified tract homes to depict and have now turned once
again to portraying a condominium as a "home". Of course, I am obliged to observe that any time a residence contains the word "condom" in its very name one should have a major clue
that what is inside is going to be turgid, mindless and insistent...and obscene.
From time to time you may have come across the phrase "loud and vulgar" and wondered what,
exactly, the writer was trying to convey. Well, please take a look at this weeks Home of the Week and you will have your answer! I present to you one of the photographs which will
give you the idea of what the Bennetson's, transplanted to our gracious region from Chicago
consider 'stylish' apparently...
Of course, I would always approve of the addition of fresh flowers to a room but, if you will, imagine the room WITHOUT flowers! I think you will have some idea of the soulessness of this home! It has beena rare thing to see a home of the week that depicted such a mish mash of loud (dare I say 'shouting'?) colors , fabrics and patterns tossed up in such a small space! I confess I began to
feel a headache coming on just from looking at the photographs...I can scarcely imagine how discombobulating it must be to actually try and live there! Take a look at this decorating decision and tell me if you would not positively verge on a nervous breakdown just wondering
when that vase would be toppled! 
Excuse me while I refresh myself with a sip of egg nogg to help me regather my nerves! Can someone PLEASE explain to me why you put a piece of glass over a footstool? In any event,
as is usual, I find no sign of a bible in the home. I have looked carefully at the 'book nook'
and can't make out a volumn of the King James on those shelves. (If I am mistaken I would be
more than happy to take back these words!) but, gracious! I could not gather my wits to
contemplatively read some stirring chapters of Leviticus after the visual sensory assault of
merely walking through the rest of the home to arrive here...at the 'nook'.
However, I doconfess this seems to be the most attractive room in the home. I imagine this room is dominated by MR. Bennetson. Thus, a word of advise to MRS Bennetson....start over! Let your husband
make the decorating decisions!! And of course...please buy a BIBLE...and READ IT!!
P.S. Thank you Jules and Jules' mother for so graciously and tactfully rebuffing Goliath's
treacherous efforts to recruit you to replace me as the columnist for this feature.
Comments
I also want to apologize to you Mrs. Thrask for even entertaining the idea that my mother could ever begin to bring to your "Home of the Week" review the same solid, no-frills, common-sense, Christian ethics that you do...( Not that she isn't Christian or ethical)LOL But, Erma I think you've got this gig covered!! :)
Actually, my mother had pondered contacting the CJ herself, and offering up her home for a possible article/photo-shoot, but after seeing how wonderfully the Bennetson's coordinated their outfits to match their home, ( pic in the actual paper/online), she's afraid she just wouldn't be up to the challenge to do the same...She said in order to co-ordinate with her decor, she would have to go to Goodwill, and dress as a bag-lady!!...So it's probably a no go. :)
However, that said Mrs. Thrask, she was puzzled as to why you didn't mention the fact the their guest room on the lower level might be better suited to midgets, or at least guests of a shorter stature, based on Mrs. Bennetson's selection of picture placement.
And also what was your opinion of Mrs. Bennetson's Derby hat??...Did you see any resemblance between it and a can-can dancers skirt??...Jules mom did!! :)
So again Mrs. Thrask thank-you for taking the time each week to point out to us, how local folk are failing to live simple modest life in their homes.
Oh, and don't go any further in your MILF Google search...Trust me, you've seen enough!!
Jules
But first, an observation...this is what happens when Yankees relocate to
our 'southern' region. Was that REALLY a derby hat? I thought it was a piece of fabric that escaped from the laundry room and was devouring the chair. Does Mrs. Bennetson have this out in anticipation of Derby..or did she neglect to put it away from LAST year?
As for the guest room...I, Erma Thrask would never comment on the physical limitations of ones' guests so calling that a 'room for midgets' is beneath the standards of my column. But, I do take your point. Finally, on the topic of
MILF's, I have spent the last 24 hours reappraising these websites in the slim hope of finding something redeeming in them. But unfortunately I haven't found anything yet. I expect I will continue to search them, thoroughly, for some evidence of civilization. But, thanks for your warning. I, Erma Thrask, consider it my Christian duty to look at each and every one of these sordid images...so that others won't have to!
I hesitate to say if that was last years or this years Derby hat...( Surely to God though she wouldn't wear something that looks like that 2X's in a row)...However, I will be watching the Oaks and Derby coverage with a special interest this year, just in hopes of spotting it!! :)
And why is it that I feel my cattiness is reigning supreme this weekend??!! LOL
Jules