My Vino and Uncle Bill

 My Vino and Uncle Bill  Part 1

I always have to convince my self to put on the helmet when I ride my Vino 125 cc Yamaha Scooter anywhere.  It's a conflict I have every time I ride. At the beginning I feel the pull to ride helmet free because the helmet is clunky and antithetical to the entire experience I am after by riding it. See,  my Vino is fucking fun.  A manifestation of the feeling of freedom.  I sense my wife and child somewhat disapprove of my riding...like they do of my smoking Macanudo Inspirato cigarillos.  But, they can't really marshal arguments as long as I wear the helmet. 

Summer of 2020 and it'd been a long time I had no vacation. Covid was laying on the country like a soggy vermin filled blanket so just forget traveling anywhere good. Everyone in lockdown. Establishing new routines. Working on zoom in your pajamas.  I started going kinda crazy. So I bought the Vino when I had the chance.  Out riding it one day I passed a friends house. He was laying out in a sun tanning lounge in front of his front door.  I pulled in and showed him my ride. Fuck. He looked it over. We laughed at covid. 

When I ride I ride to go to places nobody but bums go to.  Back alleys with garbage all over.  Access roads under interstates. Back along industrial waste yards and into the holes behind shitty bars in the bad parts of town.  Sometimes I ride into the ritziest neighborhoods in town. I cruise along the silvan lawns and give long looks at the incredibly expensive homes.  In my sick twisted heart I imagine a soccer mom might be imagining I am the recon for a burglary ring casing her home.  What else could I be??   But no.  I'm just having fun.  

As a kid I read Robert Pirsing's "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" and his writing was so good he made you feel the pleasure of riding in the open country. Opened up. Not like riding in a car. I can't really imagine experiencing road rage on the Vino.  But, I feel it in my car sometimes. Vino is open...nothing between you and the world. My sister rode a harley.  But I am afraid of the power and speed of a motorcycle...and besides...that's not what I am looking for.  I am not interested in speed on the Vino. And the power is perfect.  I am nimble and quick on the Vino. Agile. Resourceful.  These are the things that suit my character and need. On occassion I see other old bastards such as myself riding a scooter. We give each other knowing grins. We're pretty much past most physical adventures. I have no interest in sky jumping...skiing,  scuba diving etc.,  but this is equal to all that and more. It's fun.

FUN.

Uncle Bill was fun. After my dad died I was socially adrift there back in the 90s for a while. I was dating the woman I married in 99 then but it was sometimes not a clear road. Sometimes it was a rocky road. So somewhere back there I met Bill.  Probably through my friend/mentor Greaser who was a great local lawyer. (If you want a rough idea of his personality just watch Bill Hurt in "Body Heat"... that is a close as you can get*. )    Uncle Bill was the proprietor of a couple convenient stores,  a car wash. He was also a bookie and a professional gambler. Not sure how he got in Greaser's social world but I suspect it had something to do with some guys selling weed out in the more rural corners of our county. 

Bill was a prankster.  Party of his summertime fun was to play golf at local courses. He hired a guy who owned one of those air lite planes to fly over his golfing party and drop cow patties on other players.  Bill had the first mobile phone I ever saw. It was like a regular phone but attached to a large car battery sized box. He took it with him in his golf cart...just to mind fuck the other players.  He loved women. They loved him. Bill was about 5 9"  regular build ..no fat. Hair still black brown..he always wore a sport coat and slacks and a tie. (usually loose on the neck). He had a habit of sticking the end of his tongue out about a half inch between his pursed lips. ...then laughing  ...like a dog's red pecker sticking out.   OMG.   His favorite was to roll in just before lunch and organize an excursion of lawyers to Hooters.  Bill put a twenty on the table and kept one there it seemed no matter how many times or girls came up and took their tip.  

He was a devil.  We figured out that part of his fun was to drink water...disguised to be a gin and tonic and stay sober while he watched us around him get tipsy or drunk. He always carried a 45.  And..if you ever had some kind of problem..he had a damn solution.  He helped.  

Somehow or another Bill wrangled me and my brother in law and a pretty gal to accompany him to the New Albany Mayor's home for a political party.  It was a party for schmoozing and showing status and influence.  Since my brother in law was not known to anyone there,  Bill talked us into a prank  "When we get there... I'm going to tell them you are "John Y's boy" and your here to check out the political scene he's thinking about making some moves.  At the time John Y Brown was the high flying celebrity governor of Kentucky ...married to a former Miss America and tv personality.  Shortly after our arrival people began to schmooze my bro in law BIG TIME.  It was funny as hell and we played along with the prank/  That was Bill.  That was the kind of thing he ...and ONLY he could pull off.  He got his start in the fifties hustling golf at clubs.  His favorite trick then was to challenge some puffed up grandee.  Bill had, through hours of practice,  learned how to hit a golf ball very accurately and well with a coke bottle stuck on the end of a broom stick.  He would sucker these country club guys into betting he could make a better shot with that...broom stick and coke bottle than they could with their club.  I understand he made quite a lot of money.